Tag Archives: religion

Skinny Dipping

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot and they were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was a fairly secluded location, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the nice, cool water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom”. But, as they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while  they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

“I don’t know about you,” the rabbi replied, “but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognise.”

Christians to be required to wear a crucifix.

Woman with Crucifix necklace.In a move which is presumed to be a first step before including all other religions, the Government has introduced legislation requiring all Christians to wear a visible crucifix at all times, even if they are not wearing anything else.

 

This follows year of campaigning by civil rights activists to be allowed to wear religious insignia in the workplace, even when employer rules do not permit it. Now anyone who puts marks any of the Christian sects as their religion on the national census form will be required to wear a crucifix during all waking hours. A government minister, Terrence Potts, said that “this will help those not in that minority be more aware of deluded individuals and take that into account in their everyday deals. After all, do you want a doctor who believes in an invisible sky god? Would you trust a pilot who feels the need to pray before taking off?”

How embarrassing…

Nuns and naked womanJust imagine going out in a crowded street dressed as a nun!

The Swearing Nun

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and flopped down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior, “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister, “And I went to play golf with my younger brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed, “So your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 520 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I ever took….it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and then it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathised Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister, “I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel’s paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “….as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.

The ball popped out of the squirrel’s paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!”

Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?”

Catholic School Girl.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best pupil in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?” the Nun asked.

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and saviour?” But she didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question … “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

That’s when the Nun fainted…