Tag Archives: Jokes

Stupid boy?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the town. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a five pound note in one hand and two pound coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the coins and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream shop. “Hey, kid! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the pound coins instead of the five pound note?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the fiver, the game is over!”

The Fishing Trip

Four guys have been going on the same fishing and camping trip for many years.

Three days before the group is to leave, Kevin’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Kevin’s friends are most upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Three days later the three get to the camp site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking over the fire.

“Damn it man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals scattered all around.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”

So, here I am!”

I would do anything!

A student comes to a young professor’s office after hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.

“I have to pass this module,” she pleads.

The professor looks at his grade book and shakes his head. “You’ve missed most lectures, you haven’t done the homework, and the one paper you wrote was terrible — it shows you don’t know the material.”

“But you don’t understand!” she says. “If I don’t pass your module, I can’t graduate.”

“The final exam is 50 percent of your grade,” the professor says. “If you get 95 percent, you would end up with a D, which is passing.”

“I would do anything to pass the final,” she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

“I mean…” she whispers, “I would do anything!”

“Anything?” he says, returning her intense gaze. “Do you really mean …anything?”

“Absolutely!” she says, finally smiling broadly.

His voice turns to a whisper: “Would you… study?”

Goods News and Bad News.

An attractive secretary went into her boss’ office one morning and told him she had some good news and some bad news for him.

“I’m very busy this morning,” he said, “just tell me the good news.”

“Umm…,” said the secretary, “The good news is that you’re not sterile.”

Funny in the Bank.

I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Pounds. It was obvious she was a little irritated…

She asked the cashier, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat Pounds fo Yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The cashier shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady snapped back, “Fluc you white people too!”

The Little Black Book

In a small Texas town, the police arrested the local madam and seized her little black book, which listed all her working girls. Each officer on the small police force was assigned a group of names and ordered to check them out.

After a week, the chief held a meeting.

When he called on Detective Summers, Summers replied, “Chief, I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to disqualify  myself. One of the ladies I questioned is an eighty-four-year-old so charming that I’ve fallen in love with her.”

“Damnation, boy!” exclaimed the chief. “I’m surprised at  you, Summers. You’ve been a policeman almost all your life — and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!”

The Horse Auction.

Little  Jimmy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rumps, and chests.
After a few minutes, Jimmy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
“Because I’m thinking of buying these horses,” said his father.
Jimmy suddenly got a worried look on his face and said, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away!”
“Why?” his father asked.
“Because the postman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mum!”

Smart Arses!

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One of the men said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling arse-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “Must be doing well … Only two left.”
Pensioners – don’t mess with them!

The Sperm Count.

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a small, sample jar and said “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 70 year old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She- tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the bloody jar open!”

Mother of six.

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to six children, begins to call her “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband’s description. “Mother of six,” he would say, “Get me a beer!” “Hey mother of six, what’s for dinner tonight?”

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, “Hey mother of six, I think it’s time to go!”

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, “I’ll be right with you – father of four!”