Category Archives: Jokes

Don’t die a virgin

Don't die a virgin

Don’t die a virgin – Terrorists are up there waiting for you!

Funny graffiti

Funny graffiti“Escalator temporarily stairs” – You can’t really argue with that!

Most annoying gif of 2014?

Is this the most annoying gif this year?

Skinny Dipping

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot and they were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was a fairly secluded location, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the nice, cool water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom”. But, as they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while  they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

“I don’t know about you,” the rabbi replied, “but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognise.”

German Joke of the Month

  • Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
  • “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
  • “German,” she replies.
  •  “Occupation?”
  •  “No, just here for a few days.”

Christians to be required to wear a crucifix.

Woman with Crucifix necklace.In a move which is presumed to be a first step before including all other religions, the Government has introduced legislation requiring all Christians to wear a visible crucifix at all times, even if they are not wearing anything else.

 

This follows year of campaigning by civil rights activists to be allowed to wear religious insignia in the workplace, even when employer rules do not permit it. Now anyone who puts marks any of the Christian sects as their religion on the national census form will be required to wear a crucifix during all waking hours. A government minister, Terrence Potts, said that “this will help those not in that minority be more aware of deluded individuals and take that into account in their everyday deals. After all, do you want a doctor who believes in an invisible sky god? Would you trust a pilot who feels the need to pray before taking off?”

Picture of My Wife.

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of the wife. They said “is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked I answered “Yes.”

They said “I’m sorry, sir, I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”.

I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality”

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria explained, “Well, Señora, zere are tree reasons why I wanna da increaze. Ze first eez that I iron better than you.”

Raising her eyebrows the wife replies, “Who said you iron better than me?”

“Jor huzban, he say so.”

“Oh yeah?”

Maria continued, “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” replied the wife, “Who said you were a better cook than me?”

“Jor hozban did.” said Maria.

Wife increasingly agitated, replied “Oh he did, did he??”

“The third reason,” said Maria, “Eez that I am better at sex than you in ze bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, “And did my husband say that as well?”

“No Señora…….”, replied Maria, “Ze gardener did.”

“So how much do you want?” asked the wife.

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked “‘How does that feel?”

“Feels wonderful,” he replied, “But I still think my thumb’s broken!”